I Have Failed Indeed

Nearly every day as I do the simple exercises

the physical therapist taught me,

while doing the side-stepping

I sing to myself:

Have I done any good in the world today?

Have I helped anyone in need?

Have I cheered up the sad

and made someone feel glad?

If not, I have failed indeed.

As I feel like doing less and less,

I feel more and more like I have failed indeed.

If I’m not doing anything,

why am I here?

Since I’ve had shingles.

I’ve felt more worthless.

I was sort of saying this to

Becky VanDyke at Fine Arts Club last night,

(forcing myself to go)

She said something like,

“My mother lived to be 92

and I still miss her every single day.

Just to have her with us,

to talk to her,

to feel her presence.”

* 

Is just being here enough?

Have I done Any Good?

--Will L. Thompson 1847-1909

The Cost of Cancer

Does anyone want to know

how much insurance has been billed

for my cancer tests and treatments

from January 1 to August 1, 2019?

$210,677.13
not including iBrance or Chemo medication

And the Government thinks $50,000 covers Downwinders.

That doesn't include the first breast surgery

and treatments

or the thyroid cancer surgery

and treatments.

And it's just the beginning.

"We can treat you,

but we cannot cure you."

Family Ties

When I first saw this picture on Klarissa’s phone in a slightly dark room,

I thought it was Daddy.

I didn’t know Brooke had a high forehead like Daddy.

I think because Brooke is lying down

in the trauma unit at UCLA hospital after his accident,

it reminded me of Daddy in the casket.

That was 72 years ago

so I’m sure my 10-year-old memory is flawed.

Nevertheless, the resemblance shocked me.

J. Lynn Esplin 1904-1947

When Brooke put his photo in the program

that tells you who you most look like,

my mother and dad came up first.

Brooke didn't appreciate me comparing him

to my father in his casket.
I guess he's a little sensitive
after his brush with death.

His family was body surfing in the ocean

when a big wave struck them all but

Brooke was closest to shore

and it threw him against the sand,

breaking his neck in two places,

four teeth, an abrasion on his forehead

and multiple other injuries.

Because California had a couple of

big earthquakes the week before, 

Ed didn't want them to go.

"I don't think they should go to California.

I want Brooke to take his family someplace safe."

My Mother's Hands

I look at my hands.

They look like my mother’s hands;

they don’t look like mine

(even though I’m nearly 10 years older

than she was when she died).

But I am not my mother.

After surgeries and years of brutal cobalt treatment,

half of Mama’s face was paralyzed.

She walked unsteadily.

Still, from her kitchen window, if she saw an

elderly person (Sister Clark) trying to cross the street,

she would rush out to help her safely across.

Even if I lived on Main Street and Highway 89

like she did, I doubt if I would ever do that.

My hands might be my mother’s hands

but I am not my mother.

Regrettably.

Diversion

What did people do who got cancer

before the iPad was invented?

Besides phone calls and visits,

playing games on the iPad

is about the only thing that interests me.

I waste way too much time on it.

The days whiz by and I’ve spent most of my time playing

Free Cell, Pinochle, WordChums, Brain Yoga,

Yazy, Pyramid, Nonogram, Sudoku. Whirly Word.

I don’t use my smart phone much

except to carry around  to look smart.

I check the computer each night before I go to bed

and write in my journal.

What did Mama do to occupy her time

when she didn’t feel like doing anything?

I have to force myself,

but exercise also makes me feel better -

swimming, stretches, short walks (with a cane), 

riding my adult recumbent trike.