The Present Moment Continued

Today being Fast Sunday in our stake because of Stake Conference last Sunday, therefore testimony meeting, I want to express my rambling feelings. First on all that my son, Eddy Hugh, recites a reverential sacrament prayer. It warms my soul every month.

Was that before or after the fire alarm went off? I didn’t hear it but as many Priesthood bearers got up and went out, even two from the stand, but not the bishopric or stake president counselor who was presiding because the bishop is in Hawaii, I whispered to DeRay: “What is going on?” “The building is probably on fire.” “I’m getting out of here.” But I didn’t. I sat with all the other women and children to burn to death rather than abandon testimony meeting.

“False alarm. No fire,” Brother Dent said after the sacrament. “I texted the Bishop yesterday after the scare than an incoming ballistic missile was heading for Hawaii and 'THIS IS NOT A DRILL'. He called the Pentagon and they said they had no word so he felt safe. My question is, are we ready?” Or words to that effect, reduced to the lowest common denominator.

I had already been thinking about life and death. I’m still going to back up here to set the stage. To celebrate their 50^Th Wedding Anniversary, a couple in our ward went with their son and his family on a vacation to Hawaii over the Christmas holidays. While catching a wave, their son, Aric, suffered a major spinal injury. Surgery. Priesthood blessings. He’s in Colorado now for  specialized spinal injury rehabilitation. Both parents are sure he will walk again. I sincerely hope so. But what about those who don’t? If God answers their prayers, does he love them more than the ones who spend the rest of their lives in a wheelchair?

It’s been a trying four months for me. Breast cancer diagnosis, surgery, decisions; drugs that help one thing and hurt something else, so you have to have a procedure to help the thing they hurt, then you have to do it again. New doctors; new techniques. Old wounds.  It’s never ending. This week, I had two procedures.  “You may have a sore throat” “You’re bones may ache, just take Tylenol.” 

I admit I rather like the way I’m treated when I go in for these procedures. Everyone is so nice and tender and gentle. You know what these young whippersnappers are thinking: “Poor old dear. Cancer and old age both.”

To my astonishment, this weekend I feel strong for the first time in months. Really good. Like I want to run and skip and jump and twirl. (Of course, I can’t but I want to.) What did they put in that IV on Friday?

And then I thought, but it won’t last.

Something else will come up.

Everyone has to die.

I want to die healthy, I decide.

I know, most people get sick and die. Some don’t. We had a neighbor who was working in his garden when he keeled over dead. He was always helping someone and doing kind things. His wife, after his death, was just as exemplary. She didn’t wallow in self-pity even though his death was sudden and tragic. After a few years, she sold the house and moved into a condo by good friends. She still sends words of encouragement and love to others in the old neighborhood.

For the moments I feel good, I cherish. This moment I feel fine.

“Most humans are never fully present in the now, because unconsciously they believe that the next moment must be more important than this one. But then you miss your whole life, which is never not now.” - Eckhart Tolle

Ring Out, Wild Bells

At Church on Sunday, Emily Smith mentioned that this is her favorite hymn. She hoped Dick and Julie Bell came and sat by us as we sang the hymn in Sacrament Meeting. The Wild Bells, you know. Emily has such a precocious sense of humor. (The Bells are mild-mannered, quiet – totally opposite of wild!) Anyway, when I came home and looked up the entire poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson, I was astounded to realize how he foresaw the problems and challenges of our day nearly 200 years ago. I guess kindness, honesty, integrity, and truth are timeless. (BTW, the music in our hymnal, page 215, by Crawford Gates, detracts from rather than enforces the message. Maybe a choir with practice could pull it off but our congregation could not.)

  

In Memoriam, [Ring out, wild bells]

           Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1809 - 1892

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,

   The flying cloud, the frosty light:

   The year is dying in the night;

Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out the old, ring in the new,

   Ring, happy bells, across the snow:

   The year is going, let him go;

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

Ring out the grief that saps the mind

   For those that here we see no more;

   Ring out the feud of rich and poor,

Ring in redress to all mankind.

Ring out a slowly dying cause,

   And ancient forms of party strife;

   Ring in the nobler modes of life,

With sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out the want, the care, the sin,

   The faithless coldness of the times;

   Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes

But ring the fuller minstrel in.

Ring out false pride in place and blood,

   The civic slander and the spite;

   Ring in the love of truth and right,

Ring in the common love of good.

Ring out old shapes of foul disease;

   Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;

   Ring out the thousand wars of old,

Ring in the thousand years of peace.

Ring in the valiant man and free,

   The larger heart, the kindlier hand;

   Ring out the darkness of the land,

Ring in the Christ that is to be.

For me as I start this new year,

things are dimming.

Less energy.

More effort to get things done.

Harder to go up and down stairs.

Less fervor.

I think it’s finally weighing down on me.

I don’t know if it’s the cancer;

The medication;

Saturation of medical procedures

Old age;

Winter;

Diminishing faculties;

Ebb and flow;

I just don’t know.

Bawl and Blow

Both emotionally and physically,

I may be allergic

to

Anastrozole

the hormone inhibiting drug.

When I take it,

all I feel like doing

is bawling;

And I blow my nose

every two seconds.

Kerr CHEW!

Intrusive

A friend sent this to me.

Beautiful.

I have found that 
on some level,

in the beginning at least,

it can impact all of these

except

Steal Eternal Life.

The Initiation

I feel differently.

since my diagnoses of breast cancer.

The surgery was virtually painless.

No radiation or chemo.

I haven’t taken enough hormone inhibitor pills to have a reaction.

But everything has changed

inside my head and heart.

Other events in my life have been more earth shattering,

painful, traumatic, heartbreaking.

So why do I now feel differently inside?

Is it because I dreaded it so

and it turned out not as disruptive as feared?

Or was it merely my launch and

I passed through the veil into old age.

Fridays and Mondays

Joyful

Relieved

Grateful

Ethereal

Blessed

After my visit with Dr. Norah Lynn Henry,

A chemo oncologist.

Another woman.

Love it!

What if I had gone with the first plan presented to me by Lakeview Hospital?

MRI

Surgery

Radiation

Chemotherapy

Dr. Henry gave me my choice of Tamoxifen or Aromatase Inhibitor pills.

Chemotherapy doesn’t help older women that much.

1 or 2%. Not worth the risks.

I’ve had the Aromatase Inhibitor Endocrine Therapy for Breast Cancer pills

for three days now and haven’t taken a one.

I thought taking a pill would be easy

compared to radiation and/or chemotherapy.

So why can’t I swallow one?

Anastrozole, it is called.

They are designed

to keep cancer cells from getting the

hormones they need to grow.

AIs stop your body from making estrogen,

which is the hormone that is feeding my cancer.

This starves a cancer that need estrogen

so its growth slows or stops.

AIs work against the original breast cancer.

They also starve any cancer cell

that might have moved to other

parts of the body such as bones, liver, or lung.

Side effects?

An acquaintance at the gym, Janice,

belongs to a Breast Cancer Survivor Support Group.

When a doctor came to talk to them about Endocrine Therapy

he said the side effects were minimal.

Everyone in the room booed him.

Aches and pains.

Hot flashes.

Dryness.

My childhood friend, Georgia,

said itching and dry skin are her worst afflictions.

Osteoporosis.

I already have weak bones

(as do most people in their 80’s)

Etc.

Enough already.

Depression.

Janice recommend I start with one pill a week,

gradually increasing

depending on how I feel.

She’s up to four a week.

It’s hard to go against doctor’s orders

when dealing with such serious business.

Still,

I think I will take two a week to start.

Mondays and Fridays.

I’ll start tomorrow.

Maybe.

Frail Existence

Now that the bouquets are wilting

 It is beginning to dawn on me how very lucky I am.

Ed was right; I am a lucky duck.

I was frantically washing windows,

cleaning freezers and fridges,

shoring up time for treatments every day

or twice a day and/or once a week

for who knows how long.

Preparing for how awful I was going to feel.

I still haven’t been to the chemo oncologist

but the more we read

the more we realize

I will probably be taking a hormone reducing pill

for however long I should live.

Sounds better to me.

With great confidence,

I color my hair.

I wasn’t about to waste coloring or time on it

if it was going to fall out.

Not discounting that it was a traumatic experience.

--tears and fears--

The intense anxiety and dread

has consumed me for two months now.

(Nothing compared to what some are called to bear.

--especially children and young mothers.)

Emotional as well as physical stress.

Even a relatively simple surgery

takes a lot out of you.

On my first day back in the pool yesterday,

I could barely make it across.

Normally I swim ½ mile.

The orchid is still alive our hometeacher gave me

And so am I.

The little things bring more joy.

Every time I pass by or go in the frontroom

the fake fica Amy gave me for my birthday

makes my heart dance.

Tired of killing live ficas

whose leaves drop daily

for nearly a year

until no more are left,

she ordered this one.

I love it.
Hope Springs Eternal

High-Anxiety Week

Soothing Interludes

in a High-Anxiety Week

waiting to consult with the

Radiation Oncologist

and the

Chemo Oncologist

The Japanese practice of forest bathing 

is proven to lower heart rate and blood pressure, 

reduce stress hormone production, 

boost the immune system,

and improve overall feelings of well-being.

The Hollow feels like sacred space

A spiritual place

It seems that children should not shout, run, or yell

Using only quiet reverent voices

Like at church

Or a temple.

A place for meditation

And renewal

Breathe deeply

Make peace with the present moment

Be aware

I AM NOW

Forest air doesn’t just feel fresher and better—
inhaling phytoncide seems to actually improve immune system function.

Forest environments can be viewed as therapeutic landscapes.

The Spa at Snowbird

Because the spa was closed for renovation

last spring when we had a timeshare,

they gave us a few free passes

to be used during the coming year.

We thought we would go everyday this week

while Amy is out on school break.

We only went once.

Kaysville's most stunning street.

Amy went for a bike ride at sunset

While I did up the dishes

Foolish me