Sick and Tired

I didn't go on a canoe trip

down the Green River

but

I got to clean the mud off

the medicine chest,
two canoe seats,

three umbrellas,
sleeping bags,

water jugs,
ice chests,

buckets,
towels,
chairs,

tents,

and store the Dutch oven and briquettes.

We didn't kayak on the 

Bountiful Ponds

but

we got to scrub and hang the kayaks.

We didn't ride two children's bikes

but

we got to hang them

even though we have to climb a ladder

while our tall sons and grandsons

can reach, no problem.

Never mind me.

76-5/6 year-olds

love to bend and stoop,

reach and lift.

*

Obviously our kids 

have never been 76 or 79,

with diabetes, obesity, or blood clots.

"Sick and Tired" was a common

expression when we were growing up.

I'm sick of tired of doing this and that;

I'm sick of tired of hearing this and that.

I have revived it.

With love.

We did most of it this morning;

tomorrow I'll forget

and be happy and thankful. 

A note from my doctor:  

 The Thyroid is not high enough to suppress cancer growth increase to 137 and recheck in 3 months Chol is still high you should take meds to decrese your risk of heart attack and stroke jami will call you. 

Maybe I have an excuse.

EXPECTATIONS

It seems inconceivable to me that I just found out

this week that I have cancer.

It seems like I have known it all my life.

Yet no one was more astounded than we were

when the doctor gave us the bad news

at my appointment on Monday.

I thought my ordeal was over and

we would breeze through this

like every other time.

Both the surgeon

and the thyroid cancer specialist

recommend that I do not have surgery at this time

to remove the other half of my thyroid.

The tumor was small; slow growing . . .

There is no way to know if cancer is in the other half.

We could wait and watch

OR if you prefer,

we can treat it aggressively with surgery and

radioactive iodine.

Of course, I chose to wait and watch.

I’m in no mood to go through surgery again.

It’s only been two weeks.

Already I’ve been put on the medicine

we left half my thyroid in to avoid.

You know what my worst nightmare is?

You need a little background to grasp this.

Last week, the chiropractor DeRay and I paid $5,000 each

with promises that he would cure DeRay’s diabetes and

my Hashimoto’s disease,

was arrested and put in jail

for bilking the elderly of money with his scheme

to reverse diabetes

on his program that tends to cheat, exploit,

and endanger both the physical and fiscal health

of elderly patients.

The next day he was released when he posted a $200,000 bond.

Does it seem ironic that he would bail himself out

with the money he stole that put him in jail?

This is my nightmare:
(totally fictional)

Dr. A, the thyroid cancer specialist,
 and Dr. B, the surgeon,

are arrested and put in jail

for bilking elderly people with their exorbitant fees

and for making false promises.

Records show that patients die of thyroid cancer

within six months without aggressive treatment.
Further investigation proves
that neither doctor is board certified 
and each is practicing medicine 
under an assumed name and identity.

They share a cell.

The Decision

PROLOGUE:  Monday April 23, 2012

It looks like we made a mistake in deciding to take out only half of my thyroid.  We just got back from my post op visit with the surgeon.  The nodules they went in to take out were benign but a small (.8 cm) malignant tumor was found in other parts of the thyroid.  Now I have to decide if I want to have the other half taken out and then take the radioactive iodine treatment or if I want to wait and watch.  He says they don't treat thyroid cancer as aggressively as they used to.  People used to hear "cancer" and they did everything possible to get rid of it.  Now they have a tendency to just see how things go (considering my age, as he pointed out).  I have an appointment with a thyroid cancer specialist on Wednesday.  We'll make a decision from there.  I'm a little dismayed.  Maybe I should have followed the first doctor's advice and just had the whole thing out the next Tuesday.  Instead I've been messing around for four months and I'm right back from whence I started.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

It’s not hard to make a decision when you’re talking to the #1 Thyroid Cancer Specialist in Utah; especially when he’s cool, calm, and collected.

The thyroid cancer was not at all where they expected it to be.  It wasn’t in the nodules.  They found it incidentally when taking the suspicious nodules out. 

Thyroid cancer is slow-growing. 

Will it spread?

All cancers spread.  The larger the cancer, the faster it spreads.  Cancers spread at different rates and in different places. 

My classification:  Thyroid Carcinoma with Focal Tall Cell Features, 0.8 CM.

Anything under .5 cm, they definitely do nothing.  Larger, you have an option.  They used to take them all out aggressively because people were scared of cancer but now they are scaling back and waiting.

What are the chances it’s in the other side?

10 to 30% higher risk.

Options:

1.    Take out the other side.  If it is cancerous, be treated with radioactive iodine.

2.    Watch it.  Have an ultrasound every six months for two years at least.  If things change, you can have it out at any time.

If you were to do an autopsy on patients who died of non-cancer related issues (stroke, heart attack, etc.), 30% of them would have cancer cells in their thyroid and didn’t even know it.   They didn’t die from it.

"I wish we had taken the whole thyroid out as originally planned."

"Have no regrets," he advised wisely. 

"All surgeries are a risk.  Thyroid medication is a risk."  At my age, thyroid cancer is less likely to be my cause of death.

"Nevertheless, if you are going to lie awake nights worrying about the cancer, we need to treat it."

I’m ready to get on with living:  Mop the floors, dust, plant the garden, vacuum.  Maybe even cook.  Well, that’s going a little too far.  “When are we going to St. George?”

DeRay doesn’t show it, but he’s been under a lot of stress; not only with me but with apartment related business due to Les going on a mission before things were settled, meeting the deadline on complicated taxes he left until the last minute; broken furnace; problems at the SunRiver property..  He’s calling for a doctor’s appointment at this moment.  His turn.

Art Linkletter, Bette Davis, Groucho Marx, Katharine Hepburn and everyone else were right when they said, Old Age Ain’t for Sissies.
Of course, they're all dead.

The Endemic

Maybe it’s not an epidemic;

Maybe it’s just an awareness;

But why all of a sudden are

We hearing of all these thyroid nodules

Having to be surgically removed?

In January when I found out I have nodules on my thyroid,

And would have to have surgery,

I learned that my niece Cindy had recently had the surgery.

My brother, Jerry, having serious health issues since October,

Besides having a kidney disease

Was diagnosed with nodules on his thyroid.

Three immediate family all in the same month.

Out in California, my brother, DeLoy, was mending his fence

When his neighbor came over and told him

That she has thyroid cancer and is awaiting surgery.

DeRay’s sister, Clare, has a friend at TOPS

Who had half her thyroid removed--

Biopsy benign--

But when they operated, it was malignant.

She had to go back in and have the other half out;

Now going through cancer treatment.

She’s a Downwinder, being reared in Mesquite.

Aunt Mar called to see how I was doing,

Telling me that her son, Roger, is having his

Thyroid out this week.

Who started this?

Can someone STOP IT?

Immediately!

It’s getting out of hand,

Wouldn’t you say?

Surgery vs a Birthday Party

When we came back from Vegas last time,

I was dreading Ed’s birthday open house.

I had two days to get ready for it.

When we came back this time,

I was dreading surgery.

I had two days to get ready for it.

 I didn’t know which one I dreaded the most.

As it turned out,

surgery won hands down.

        "This is the end of life: 
        The end of life is not to be happy;
        the end of life is not to achieve pleasure and avoid pain;
        the end of life is to live in a sacred way, 
              come what may.”

I wanted to follow the advice of the poet.

I tried.

But is fear living life in a sacred way?

Dread?

Feeling abandoned, forsaken, isolated, desolate?

Hopeless?

Defeated and dejected?

Peace I give unto you.

My peace I give unto you.

Not as the world giveth,

Give I unto you.

I must be courageous, come what may.

Ed and I went swimming the day before surgery.

We went for a trike ride.

Trying to relax and feel comfortable,

I had a sauna and hot tub.

DeRay and I left at 5

to be to the Huntsman Cancer Center by 6 AM.

We decided to let Ed sleep.

I wish we had someone to care for him for one day.

$450 our share for one night in the hospital.

I’ve never had such expensive accommodations.

"That’s a week’s cruise," DeRay pointed out.

On the way down,

we wondered if we could remember

what the doctor looks like.

We have seen him only once.

“All I know is he’s a young guy with a beard,”

DeRay says.

So I’m in the room ready to go into surgery

when I see this hand in a black leather jacket reach for my file.

It’s like slow motion in some mystery thriller

 – then in walks this clean-shaven man.

Gulp.  Who are you?

“It warmed up so I shaved.”

I guessed him to be 28;

DeRay said 35.

He’ll be 41 next week.

Kid.

Somehow we got talking about

why I was having my complete thyroid taken out.

I told him how Dr. Abraham first said I needed it out

then a week later he called

and said we’ll just watch it for six months.

I would have cancelled but Clare’s friend’s biopsy came back benign.

When they did surgery, it was malignant,

so then she had to have a second surgery

and now the iodine treatment for cancer.

Amy said “Ordinarily surgery is the last resort

but when you’re dealing with tumors and cancer,

you don’t take chances.”

He said that usually once the surgery schedule gets set,

they don’t change,

but he has a gut feeling about these things

and he feels OK about just doing half of the thyroid, if possible.

The thyroid regulates too many things in the body

to be artificially replaced.

I’m especially concerned about the serotonin levels – 
a feel good chemical called the happy juices -
basically a happiness potion.

He has two nodules to take out,

one on the left side and a smaller one in the middle.

We agreed that if he couldn’t make that work,

he’d take the entire thyroid out;

when we get the pathology report back

if it’s malignant, I’ll have to have the other side out.

We thought it was worth the risk.

I was very happy when I woke up at 10:35

and they said they only took half of it out.

No medication or anything.

I’m thrilled.

They promised I would have the sorest throat I’d ever had in my life.

They were right.

Still it’s not as painful as stomach surgery;

if I don’t swallow or cough, there really isn’t much pain.

I was a little nauseated all day

but I didn’t require any pain medication.

The nurse says it’s OK to be brave

but your body heals better without the pain

so she talked me into a low dosage.

It sent me over the edge.

I went to pieces.

I was so dizzy I couldn’t manage.

I scared the poor little doctor-to-be to death.

He patted my arm and said,

“We’ll be back.  We’ll be back.  You’ll be fine.”

I never saw him again.

While I was in surgery, DeRay went home to get Ed.

They were waiting for me in the room.

I have a view of blossoming trees, a nice patio

and the hills with a mountain biking/hiking trail that is in constant use.

On the other side,

I would have had an unobstructed view of the entire city

but the mountains and blossoming trees are more my nature and heritage.

DeRay and Ed couldn’t find anything to eat in the cafeteria so at 2,

DeRay took Ed home.

He came back around 5 or 6.

He’s going to be worn out.

Soft diet, which means Jell-O, apple juice, broth – all three meals.

 I love the compression boots they have on my legs

since my head has to be elevated to at least 30%.
I want to take them home.

My knees did not hurt at all.

It’s over.

My throat is sore, my headaches,

I have a pain in my chest;

but I’m alive.

In truth, nothing that I didn’t make up or imagine is wrong with me.

Late in the evening,

the nurse walks around the circle with me.

The windows are like mirrors.

What a shock to see this wobbly funny old woman

with her white hair sticking straight up,

clothed in an ugly hospital gown,

thick blue pressure socks on both legs,

creeping slowly down the hall pushing her IV cart.

Who is that?

My great grandmother?

Someone’s great grandmother?

Funny.

I hope I never get old.

Never.

On my arm besides bands with my name and drug allergies,

there was one that said “Fall risk.”

Everyone, including me, wondered why that was there.

“You look fine to me,” the nurse said.

Finally someone remembered they put it on everyone over age 65.

Am I over 65?

I’ve forgotten completely.

When I went in for Pre-Op, they did an EKG.

“I’ve never had this before.”

“They do it on everyone over 65.”

So, what does that have to do with me?

 At 4:30 AM they came in to take vitals,

“Now go back to sleep.  It’s still early.”

I pictured them going down the hall

terrorizing all the innocent sleeping victims.

Little Fellow (resident) came in at 7

and said I could go home.

He took the drainage tube out.

It was poking in my neck about 4”.

I think they emptied a cup at least 4 times.

We got home about 11.

DeRay could think of nothing to do for me.

I poached myself an egg and went to bed.

I was beginning to feel neglected until Amy got home.

She took such good care of me.

She gave me water, made me tea,

a little left-over soup, mashed potatoes,

airborne, cough drops, ibuprofen, ice pack.

I’m feeling fine.

Well, I don’t want to swallow or cough.

We watched the 3^rd Naira series,

which was suspenseful and delightful.

The next morning,

DeRay is stressed out with taxes

and taking care of Les’ business

while he is on his mission.

He was carrying on about something

and I started to cry.

Ed put his arms around me holding me tight,

patting me and saying

“It’s OK.  It’s OK,” until I calmed down.

I almost felt like I was in the arms of Jesus.

DeLoy wrote an email asking how I was doing.

I told him that I would call him on Skype after I had my shower.

“I can't wait to show you how those bandits slit my throat
while I was sleeping!” I wrote him.

(They not only slit my throat; they charged me an arm and a leg.)

DeLoy had called me Monday to showoff his surgery

where they had removed cancer from his forehead.

He wanted me to see it before he took the gauze out

and it was just covered with a band aid.

Verla called everyday.

I made the asparagus soup like she told me for lunch

It was very good.

Lucy called.  Brooke.  Lana Gale called.

Aunt Mar and Aunt Olive called.

Amy made a good soup when she got home.

DeRay spent the day in Ogden moving out of Les’ office

and turning the keys over to the new owner.

Amy found another delightful movie to watch.

Bless her.

By Friday, I’m already feeling fine.

I have to wait a week for the pathology report

and I can’t swim but, hey, I’m feeling very blessed,
come what may.

Goodbye Thyroid Part IV

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened. 

--Michel de Montaigne

     On January 12, Dr. H gave me the news on my thyroid ultrasound with "At least it's not pancreatic cancer" and reassured me with "thyroid cancer is almost 100% curable."  She scheduled an appointment with a surgeon as soon as possible.

     What would you think?

     In the meantime, I called the University of Utah hospital where I already go to an ENT for an intravestibular schwannoma (tumor).  His nurse said that Dr. S only does the brain.  "He probably hasn't operated on the thyroid since medical school."  She recommended and made an appointment for me with an ENT doctor in the same clinic.

     I cancelled my appointment with the first surgeon and now have to wait over a week for an appointment.

     I'm an emotional wreck.  I never want things to change.  I don't want to face hard things.  I'm not concerned about suffering as much as I am anxious about Eddy.

     DeRay calls Brooke to come over and help give me a blessing.  Brooke blessed me that we would make wise decisions in choosing a doctor and treatment.  Brooke patiently coaxed Ed into doing the anointing.  Whether Ed was petrified or whether he was concerned about me, I don't know.  He was shaking, on the verge of tears - but he did it.  I particularly felt Mama's presence.  She always cheered for both her grandsons, before and after her death.  I knew she would be there for Eddy. 

     I woke up vividly obsessed with this question:  "Were you here last night, Mama?"  I believe Daddy was here too and other family members.  Sometimes in my distress, I actually would get a little excited feeling about seeing Mama and Daddy soon, and Uncle Ed, and my grandparents, whom I didn't know in this life and if I knew them before, I've forgotten.

     The blessing helped.  It gave me peace and sometimes I actually began to feel normal.

     Meanwhile, Amy gets the flu.  We all get the flu.  We wash bedding, rugs, and clothes; spray the entire house with disinfectant; take showers and survive.  We're still coughing.  No one can quite get totally well.

     We take the ultrasound DVD down to the U - Dr. Luke O. Buckmann.  He knows he will operate but he likes to know whether or not the nodules are malignant.  His office schedules an appointment with Dr. Abraham, an endocrinologist, whom we actually went to in 2003.  Another three-week wait to see him.  I'm a bundle of nerves.

     How did Mama do it?
     I have vivid memories of her standing at dusk with her arms folded looking out the big picture window in our front room.  Her view was our front lawn and the hollow.  Nothing more.  She was lonely.  She was forlorn.  I knew.  She had a brain tumor.  She was staying with us while she had her cobalt treatments.  By now, she had been fighting the malignant tumor for more than twelve years.  She was in constant pain.  She was away from home.

In the olden days, she would have scurried to do the dishes after dinner. 

Silently, she got up from the table and walked to the front room and stared out.  At nothing.

Why am I remembering this now?

Because I think I know a little more how she felt.

Not yet.

Not the intensity.

But the forsaken part.

The ultrasound showed nodules on my thyroid gland.  I’m waiting to see the surgeon.

It’s almost more than I can bear.

How do the homeless do it?

The prisoners of war?

The oppressed?

The multitudes in refugee and concentration camps?

I have a home, a family, care, warmth.

Love.

(Although I sometimes question that.)

Illness is a lonely thing.

No one can compensate.

My heart is so heavy

I can’t breathe.

Mama, give me your courage.

Help me buckle up.

Tuesday night, January 24, 2012

We went on the preplanned cruise:  DeRay, Brent, Eddy, and I.  I tried not to ruin it for everyone.  The distraction turned out to be very good for me.  I wasn’t consumed 24/7.  Sometimes I was having such a good time that I could even forget.  Truthfully, nothing has changed.  I'm not sick, like my brother Jerry who has serious thyroid issues.  Nothing hurts.  Except fear and worry.  Amy said she didn’t think I have cancer because I'm not tired.  That’s true.  All distress and misery are self-inflicted.

My personal response came in the feeling that "all will be well", with the precaution:  “You still have to die.  But not now.”  That’s all I ask.  Of course, everyone has to die sometime.  That’s a given, even I get.

Things tensed up the closer it got to my appointment with Dr. Abraham.  I cleaned the house and prepared for the worst.  The night before, my brother, DeLoy, mentioned that it would take about 10 days to get the results back on the biopsy.  Why didn’t I think of that?  I won’t find out anything tomorrow.  I slept well.

I was disappointed that everyone I had told didn’t call Wednesday night after my appointment with Dr. Abraham.  Why did I think they were as consumed as I was?  Everyone has his/her own problems.  Much to my dismay, I’m not the center of the Universe.

Life is like an island lost in the ocean of solitude. . .

Your Life is an island separate from all the other islands and regions.  However, many vessels leave your shores for other countries, however many fleets sail to your ports, you will always be a separate island, suffering the pangs of solitude and aspiring to happiness.  Other men do not know you at all and they are far from pitying your solitude or understanding you.

My brother, your life is like an isolated house, far from any human dwelling.  A house which no gaze from outside can penetrate.

If it were deprived of light your neighbor’s lamp could not illuminate it.  If the house stood in the desert you could not transport it into the garden of other men, ploughed and cultivated by other hands.

My brother, the life of the spirit goes by in solitude, and without this solitude and this isolation you would be in no way what you are, neither would I be what I am.  Without the isolation and this solitude, I should come to believe on hearing your voice that it is my voice which is speaking or on seeing your face that it is the reflection of my face in a mirror.—The Eye of the Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

Brent and Jan and my sister Lucy called.  No one else.  No friends.  No acquaintances.  No strangers.  Carol called on Thursday.  I finally called Shirley on Sunday.  I had emailed DeLoy.  We’re Skype friends so we keep in touch.  We talked to Jerry and Lana Gale since Jerry and I seem to be The Thyroid Twins.  Lynn & Juanita’s daughter had her thyroid out a month ago so they understand. Why doesn’t Verla call?  I about went crazy before she called on Sunday night.  I wanted to tell her about my visit with Dr. Abraham.

DeRay, Ed, and I left at about 11:50 to go to Dr. Abraham.  I had two biopsies and an ultrasound in less than 45 minutes.  He checked my previous MRI’s to look for a tumor on the pituitary that Dr. Grant thought he saw.  He thought the nodules in my thyroid looked rather common for someone who has had Hashimoto’s Disease for decades and probably a lifetime.  Hashimoto’s job is to help the thyroid destroy itself; actually it is the first autoimmune disease identified.  He also said they tested 3,000 Downwinders and the thyroid cancer rate was no higher for them than the general population.  The radiation exposure was not the type that causes thyroid cancer.  I'm much calmer for the wait for biopsy results.  If I had gone to the first surgeon, I probably would have had surgery that very week when maybe I don't even need it out yet.  I wait 5-7 days for results but I’m free from fear.

Later that evening Brooke called, forcing me to tell my story again.

Tuesday February 21, 2012.  Dr. Abraham himself called around noon.  No messenger for him.  “Both nodules are benign.”

Hallelujah!  Hallelujah!

“They will continue to grow so you need to schedule surgery to have your thyroid out, even though it is still functioning.  If the goiter gets too large, the surgery is much more complicated.  It’s already infringing on your chest.”

I thanked him.  Not only for the results but for his kindness and reassuring demeanor.

“Bless you, Ma’am,” he said as he hung up the phone.

I believe he may be the only doctor I’ve ever liked.  What a gentleman.  I think he’s India Indian.  I’m elated and relieved.  Hurray!

DeRay listened in on the phone exchange.  Eavesdropper.  Then we visited for an hour.  I know. I know.  I still have to die sometime and so does he.  Just not yet.  THANK YOU GOD.

2:44 PM Same day.  Dr. Buckmann’s office just called to see if I wanted to set up surgery.

No.  Not yet.  I’m still basking in the light of my reprieve.

Well, OK, Huntsman Cancer Center; Tuesday, April 10, 2012.

Post Script:  Nearly two weeks later, Dr. Abraham called again, forgetting he had called the first time and gave me the good news that my tumors were benign.  He suggested I check every day to see if I can feel growth and have them checked again in six months unless I notice significant change.  Now I'm baffled.  I put in a call to Dr. Buckmann's nurse but in all day she didn't call back and we are leaving early in the morning on Ed's birthday trip.  I'll still have time to cancel the surgery when we get back if that's what we decide.  Amy said she thinks surgery should be a last resort, but when you're dealing with tumors and cancer, you don't take any chances.   
DeRay's sister, Clare, spent the week with us in Vegas.  She had just been to Phoenix to her twin grandkids' third birthday party.  A friend rode over with her.  She had just had her thyroid removed.  Her biopsy report came back benign also.  They only planned to take out one side but when they removed it, it was full of cancer.  Three weeks later she had the other side removed which was cancerous also.  She's now waiting for the radiation pills or whatever they do.  She's also applying for Downwinder Compensation.  That's exactly why Dr. Hendler recommended I don't bother with a biopsy.  The part they biopsy might be benign but until they look at all of it, you won't know if any part of it is cancerous.  I'm convinced. On the one hand, it seems like when your thyroid is still functioning you leave it alone; on the other hand, the nodules are growing and what else are they doing?  Hashimoto's won, I'm afraid.

--come what may, came. Part III

I decide to try Alison’s “woman” doctor for my well check.  She wasn’t taking new patients but because Alison referred me, they said I could see her.  I waited three months for an appointment.  She was thorough; I’ll say that for her.  I’m not used to this.  You have to tell Dr. ____ at the _____ Clinic what is wrong with you and what you want him to prescribe.  (That’s why Amy likes him.)

She made a big deal out of everything.

“You need to lose 25 pounds.  Exercise. . .”

“Don’t even mention exercise.  Let's just say 'I do'.”

“Eye exam.”

“Ron is free.  I’ll see him.”

“You need to see a dermatologist for spots on your face.”

“Can’t you burn them?”

“Not these.  They’re too deep.”

“High blood pressure.  Better get you on some medication.”

“Cholesterol 314.  Low on Vitamin D."  

Bone Scan.  “You have osteoporosis.  Come right in to discuss.”

Then she got the thyroid ultra sound results.

Imaging for JEANETTE E HUGH

Top of Form

Location   Bountiful Clinic

Date       01/10/2012

Examination: Thyroid ultrasound
Clinical History: Hashimoto's

Findings: The right thyroid lobe measures approximately 4.3 x 2.5
x 2.6 cm. The thyroid tissue is markedly heterogeneous. The
isthmus is enlarged. A nodule within the isthmus measures 1.4 x
1.1 x 1.8 cm. No discrete nodule is identified within the right
thyroid lobe.
The left thyroid lobe measures at least 5.0 x 3.0 x 3.0 cm.
Occupying much of the left thyroid lobe is a slightly
heterogeneous solid nodule measuring 2.2 x 2.7 x 2.5 cm. Within
this nodule there is a bulky focus of shadowing calcification.
Impression:
1. Heterogeneous thyroid gland with a dominant nodule within the
left thyroid lobe containing a bulky focus of calcification.
Signed By: Smythe, Jason J., MD

 Bottom of Form

In plain English, I have two nodules.  One in the center and one big one practically filling the left side. 

She schedules me to see the surgeon the first day he is in the clinic, which is next Tuesday.  They also need to check the lymph glands.

Suddenly we would just wait and watch the spots on my face.  No mention of the eye test.  Osteoporosis, spine and hip: "Maybe the Vitamin D will help.  Do you want to just watch it for a year?”

I was prepared for battle.  I thought she would insist I take all these drugs.  Well, she did talk me into going back on lipitor and a very low dosage for high blood pressure plus the prescription Vitamin D. All the other problems she had been worrying me about were brushed aside.

It’s a psychological battle.  The anxiety and worry are almost unbearable.  Everything hurts; I can’t swallow; my shoulders and neck ache; my throat is dry; I cough and sneeze and constantly blow my nose; am I getting Staph infection?  Oh my hurting knees; I’m light-headed; dizzy; tired; weak; this pounding in my ear is driving me crazy; no one cares; I’ve had more than my share; who will care for Ed?

Did I do damage massaging on the roller?  doing incessant chin locks to stimulate my thyroid?  gravity inversion table?  vibrator?

Bad news is debilitating to mental health and emotional well-being.

Slow down.  Take a deep breath.  How do you really feel?  Is it any different than before you found out?  Didn’t you feel strong then, like you could and would conquer physical afflictions?

Physically I probably don’t feel any different than I did before I found out about those nodules in my thyroid gland but mentally and emotionally I’m devastated.

OK – on my honor I promise to do my best to be well until proven sick.